


Living for something else

by Emptynarration



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Depressed Newt, Depressed Newt Scamander, Eventual Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Newt Scamander, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad Newt Scamander, Slow Build, Slow To Update, Suicidal Newt, Suicidal Newt Scamander, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-09-27 22:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17170892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emptynarration/pseuds/Emptynarration
Summary: Newt has always lived for something else.First it had been Leta, then it had been his creatures.Then, Percival Graves happened.





	1. Chapter 1

Newt was more than glad when everything was finally said and done. Revealing Grindelwald, seeing Credence be killed -though he couldn't be dead, he survived _so long_ , and it didn't look like he was truly gone- and the whole fiasco with his creatures getting out. He had been close to breaking a lot of the times, but kept himself together. He had to go through this, he had to survive this, he had to keep going. For his creatures. They needed him, he couldn't leave them.

He was curled up in the Occamy's nest currently, the little creatures curled around him protectively. He just needed a reminder that he was loved, that he was needed. His creatures needed him, and he had to keep it in mind. He knew he was far too reckless and uncaring about danger when it came to saving other creatures, but he considered them his reason to live. Without him, they'd be helpless. People would hunt them into extinction, and no one cared too much about about the trafficking and smuggling of these creatures. He had to protect them, save them. He had to live for them, if nothing else.

Right now, was just one of his depressive episodes. He was used to them by now. He felt hollow, unable to feel anything. He felt almost _useless_ , like he didn't deserve to be here. So it was no wonder that he was here with his creatures, because even if he felt like dying, they wanted him. They loved him, they needed him. He couldn't die while they needed him still. Even if he wanted to stop existing.

Two gentle knocks reverberated through the case, though Newt didn't react to it. His case was with the Goldstein's, his friends. He didn't like being around Queenie too much, since she never stayed out of his head. He was afraid that if he wasn't careful, she would find out how he felt, and currently, he needed anything but that. He just hoped whichever of the sisters knocked would leave him alone, or let it be Tina at the very least.

“Newt?”

Of course he wouldn't be left alone. Newt whimpered softly, curling up tighter and hiding his face in the body of Catherine, the oldest of the Occamy. She had grown in size a little, so he could hide his face in her and feel protected. He was glad at least it was Tina who had come down, and not Queenie.

“Newt?”, Tina's voice was closer now, soft and gentle as she took in the sight of Newt curled up tightly in the middle of his occamy. He wondered what she thought about him now. Bad thoughts clouded his mind, and after everything that happened in the last days, he had to allow himself to feel like this for once. Bottling it all up was the exact wrong thing to do.

“Mh?”, Newt hummed in reply, not feeling like talking. Nor like moving. He just wanted to stay here like he was, and not worry about a single thing. Well, other than what he was already worrying about, which was blaming himself for a lot of things he had no control over.  
“Are you alright?”, Tina asked, looking worried. Newt didn't usually act like this, or at least, she hadn't seen him act like this before. It worried her.  
“Mhhm.”, Newt nodded. He really didn't want to have to talk, he just wanted to drown in his self-hate for a while, before he got well enough to steel himself against Queenie's invasive mind and go up to eat something.

“Alright... you can talk to us if you need to, okay? You know that, right?”, Tina continued carefully, watching Newt with so much concern she usually reserved for her sister. Newt was just something different, something special. And it hurt to see him like this.  
“I know...”, Newt muttered. He just wanted Tina to leave. Why did she have to stay here with him? Couldn't she just go and leave him alone? Even though he could hear her sigh, and knew she was hurt by this as well, he was more than glad to hear her walking away. He just needed time for himself now.

He came out of the suitcase only the next day. He still felt terrible, and he could already guess he wouldn't feel better for a while. He just hoped it wouldn't get too bad. He only felt well enough to keep his head filled with his creatures, instead of his depressive thoughts. He knew he should try and get help, but he blatantly denied going to any sort of mindhealer. This was his problem, and he had to deal with it on his own. Even if his brother tried to get him help, he couldn't. No matter how much it hurt anyone else -which just made Newt feel worse, most of the time.

Tina was relieved to see Newt with them, though she could tell that something was still bothering him. And looking at Queenie, she also knew something was wrong, though it appeared as if even she didn't really know. So they ate breakfast together, before Newt excused himself to go back into his suitcase, leaving the two woman with worried glances at each other. Neither of them could do anything of course, but.. they worried. There was nothing either of them could do as long as Newt didn't let them though.

At least they managed to get him out again for dinner, even if he didn't want to meet them for lunch. Newt didn't seem to be any better at dinner either, and he insisted on wearing his coat no matter how cozy warm it was. Queenie tried her hardest to figure out what was wrong with Newt, but all he did was think about his creatures, or the food. They didn't pressure Newt to talk if he didn't want to, no matter how worried they were.

Newt felt terrible for making the two of them worry. And it was hard to keep his mind from anything bad, especially since he could almost _feel_ Queenie in his head. So he tried to think about the food -it was good, everything Queenie made was good- or about his creatures. And he tried his hardest not to scratch at his arms too much, keep them and his hands beneath the table when he wasn't eating.

A worried look crossed Newt's face and he excused himself, rushing to the bathroom. He had managed to scratch himself open, catching sight of blood on his fingers, and he couldn't let them know, he had to wash it off and take care it didn't continue bleeding.  
Queenie looked more than worried at the glimpses she caught, so she got up and followed Newt. Gently knocking on the door, she leaned against it.

“Sweetie? Are you alright?”, she asked, voice soft and worried.  
_I can't let them see, why did I have to do that I'm so stupid- why doesn't it just stop already?_  
“Newt?”, Queenie called a little louder, knocking again. She was more than worried hearing Newt's frantic thoughts. “Are you hurt? Please, you don't have to hide from us sweetie.”.  
“I- I'm fine.”, Newt called back, pressing a tissue against his arm. He had scratched himself open, even though the wounds were still fresh, and it bled more than he would have liked right now.  
“I'll be b-back shortly. Just- just let me finish.”, Newt could only hope that Queenie would leave him alone so he could make sure nothing further would happen today.

“Alright darling. Please, be careful.”, Queenie stayed for a few more minutes, worried about Newt and what might have happened, before she left him alone again. He deserved some privacy after all, even if she was more than worried.

Newt returned back to the table after five more minutes, very intent on keeping his sleeves pulled down as far as they would go. Neither Tina nor Queenie said anything, though they were both still very much worried. They finished dinner, and let Newt vanish back in his case.

Queenie had only so much to tell Tina. She thought Newt must have hurt himself somehow, and accidentally scratched it open. Of course they both worried, but it couldn't be anything serious, right? They just had to hope that everything would be alright, even if Newt didn't want their help.

**OO**

Newt left America. He needed to get away from everything, and instead went to stay with his brother. They were close -even if not as close as could be- but Theseus knew about Newt and how he felt, and would give him all the time he needed. He kept Newt save from himself, made sure he ate and slept, and didn't do anything stupid. More stupid than usual, at the very least.

They were contacted when the real Percival Graves was found. Theseus wanted to check on his old friend again as soon as possible, and, unable to leave Newt in the state he was alone, he would take him with him back to America. Theseus hoped it would do Newt good to see his friends again.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Newt had good days and bad days. Most of the time, he had average days, though. Where he functioned, could do what he needed to do, but had no motivation to do anything else. He sat at his desk and stared at the papers and notes for his book for hours, unable to get himself to begin writing. Or do anything else, really. He just sat there, or laid in bed, unable to bring himself to do anything at all. He had no motivation, no drive. There was just nothing he could do, bring himself to do, and he hated himself more than ever.

He was so useless. Couldn't even write a little for his book. Couldn't even _read_ over what he had already written. He could just sit and stare, or lay down and stare, do nothing.

The only comfort he got was from his creatures. An occamy -lovingly named Jake after Jacob- kept to stay curled around Newt's neck, or on his lap, or chest. Depending on how Newt was positioned. It was nice, having the warmth and weight on him so much, the little creature so loving. Next to Pickett, Jake was his faithful companion. Whenever Newt could afford to have the creature with him, it could be found wrapped around his neck.

He was laying in bed, Jake curled over his chest and above his head, when there was a knock and the lid of the case was opened.  
“Newt.”, Theseus called down, though Newt didn't feel like answer. Today was one of his nonverbal days it seemed -he had those some times, though most of the time other people forced him to have to use his voice. Theseus was, sadly, one of those.  
“Goldstein send you a letter.”, Theseus announced, and the letter floated down, the lid being closed again. Theseus could tell Newt needed his space -or at least he thought so. Newt was terrible at asking for what he needed -what he wanted was comfort, validation, but he couldn't ask for it.

Jake snatched the letter out of the air, before settling back down around Newt. He took the letter from it with a gentle smile, before opening it. Tina had written him, telling him about how she was back as an auror -Grindelwald had demoted her after all- and that they had found Percival Graves. The real one. He wasn't doing too peachy it appeared, having been tortured mentally and physically.

Newt knew Theseus had been somewhat friends with Graves. He probably would want to go visit him. There wasn't really a reason for New to go, but he did want to see Tina and Queenie again. It had been a few months by now already since he had last seen them. Maybe they could get him back into his better days, rather than these ones. “Average”. They weren't bad, but rather struggling. He would be happy if he got out of this lull again.

So when Theseus came later that day, suggesting they go to America and visit their friends, Newt agreed. Of course he'd take his case with him too, though. The clasp was long since fixed, and Newt would take care that the niffler wouldn't squeeze out again. He couldn't bring himself to feel very excited though, and he spend most of the time on their travel in his case, as usual.  
Theseus took care that Newt and his case wouldn't be found out, and that they were safe, and made sure to make his little brother eat and sleep. Though Newt got a lot of rest anyways, seeing how he didn't have any drive to do anything.

Greeting them after they got through customs was Queenie, smiling bright even in a sea of people. Newt managed a small smile when he saw her in return -his mind was rather blank at the moment, though the hollow feeling settled in his chest was obvious to the Legilimens. Her smile only wavered a little, before she happily pulled Newt into her arms, hugging him close.  
“I'm so glad to see you again.”, she said, pulling back. She smiled at Theseus, offering her hand. “Queenie Goldstein. A pleasure meeting you.”.  
Theseus smiled lightly in return, nodding and shaking Queenie's hand. “Theseus Scamander.”.

Together they made their way to the MACUSA's headquarters, Queenie keeping up a light banter with Theseus. The older Scamander was skilled at Occlumency, knowing thanks to Newt that Queenie was a natural Legilimens and couldn't really help it but feel and hear other people's thoughts and emotions. She noticed Newt wasn't in a good place currently, but his head was rather empty. The hollow and empty feeling settled on him like a heavy blanket was concerning her though.

She didn't dare question either of the men about Newt's emotional state though, even if she really wanted to ask. She knew Newt was glad to see Tina again when he did, managing a small smile for her as they hugged. Theseus went off to talk with Piquery, inquiring about Graves and his status as Director of Magical Law Enforcement. As far as he knew, no one else had been appointed yet, though he wondered about if he'd come back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since my depression picked up again  
> i decided to try and write some of this  
> since sad newt is all i can somewhat manage at the moment in this state
> 
> this wont get chapters regularly, or long ones most likely, or even often  
> just so you know

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write depressed and suicidal Newt and I just hate how this story turned out so  
> I'm really sorry for what it is and that it isn't really good
> 
> I just wanted something sad and then fluff
> 
> I wanted Newt to be suicidal and Queenie would've found out, and Graves would be in a similar situation after his torture, but  
> I just am so unhappy with what I've written already but I don't want to delete it so  
> If anyone willed themselves to read something I don't know if I'll do much with it, then I hope it's not quite as bad as I think it is


End file.
